


A Crack Filled Mission

by squidgie



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2013-10-11
Packaged: 2017-12-29 01:47:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/999423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidgie/pseuds/squidgie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SGA-1 and SGA-4 go on a mission together, with John, Rodney, David, Evan, and Laura continually sniping at each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Crack Filled Mission

**Author's Note:**

  * For [clwilson2006](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clwilson2006/gifts).



> This may be some of the crackiest stuff I've ever written. Sure, I once turned Rodney into a donut & John into a pastry bag - but this is an actual SGA story. On crack. And is VERY NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT! AT ALL! Don't say I didn't warn you!
> 
> (I can see Rodney McKay clearly in my mind, like at the end of a political ad in the US, saying, "I'm Rodney McKay, and as a flaming homosexual, I approve this story." God help us.)

PG7-X15 was in the middle of their Autumn Harvest festival when SGA-1 and SGA-4 came through the gate.  The two teams had been there multiple times before, and the Squeetanos peoples were good trading partners.  Sheppard and Lorne had timed their visit to coincide with the festival, bringing in some support personnel to help with crop planning as well as medical personnel to see to the health of their trading partners.  
  
As the support personnel took to their jobs out in the fields or in the makeshift clinic, Sheppard, Lorne, McKay, Cadman, and Parrish agree to take part in the ceremony - or at least sit down and watch it as it goes on around them.  When two young, curvaceous women come to the crowded audience to ask for assistance with a ceremonial ritual, Cadman's the first to speak up.  
  
"Him!  Him!" she yells, pointing to her commanding officer.  
  
"Yeah, this one," Lorne pipes up a second later.  
  
"What the fuck, Cadman?"  At Lorne's crosseyed look, Sheppard beams an unruly gaze at the Major and adds, "I kinda expect this from you, ya fucktard."  
  
"Serves you right, you asshat," Lorne says, quickly adding, "Sir."  Shaking his head, he continues, "This makes up for you putting the naked pictures of me and Parrish on the Atlantis Intranet."  
  
" _Please_!" Rodney pleads.  "And I'd _just_ gotten those images out of my head."  
  
David just shakes his head, then leans up and flicks Rodney in the ear, muttering, "Asshole," under his breath.  
  
"Whatever, you soft science _geek_ ," Rodney counters.  
  
"You know string theory is _complete_ bullshit, right?" David offers.  "Loop quantum gravity is where it's _really_ at."  
  
Rodney scrunches up his face and begins a tirade against the Botanist when he's cut off by Cadman screaming, "Girls!  _Girls_!  Hush now, you're _both_ pretty."  
  
Sheppard snickers and almost gets a mock salute off to his New 2IC (if he can ever figure out a way to either send Lorne back home - or at _least_ push him out of a 'jumper " _accidentally_ ") when the two ladies come to his side, pulling him up by the arms.  "Fuck me," he mutters as he's being dragged to his feet to help out with the Harvest Festival skit.  
  
"That's _my_ job," Rodney responds.  
  
Cadman visibly shudders, Lorne faceplants into the blanket they're sharing, as Parrish politely asks, "Excuse me, but does anyone have any brain bleach?  Or maybe some alcohol strong enough to get those images out of my head?"  
  
"Oh shut up, you prissy bottom," Rodney counters.  
  
Much later, when they're all stumbling back to their overnight accommodations, not a single soul gives up who _actually_ shot Rodney with the Wraith stunner, though the look on David's face all but gives it away.  
  
~*~*~  
  
When the fivesome get up the next morning and stumble into the common area (David having gotten up in the middle of the night and looted _all_ of the coffee as further punishment for the senior scientist), Lorne coughs a few times, then grabs the side of his throat, grimacing as he swallows.  
  
"What, David get all worked up over my bottom comment and face-fuck you too hard last night?" Rodney asks.  
  
"Bite me," David counters.  
  
Grunting, Sheppard adds, "That's my job," and is immediately flipped off by everyone in the room that's _not_ currently sleeping with him.  "What?" he asks, trying to be innocent.  
  
"God, I'm surrounded by homos and we're out of coffee.  I can _not_ deal with this shit right now," Cadman says, pleading into her hands.  "Can we just go home now?  I don't get paid enough for this shit."  
  
Lorne just looks at Sheppard, then cringes as he squeaks out, "You _know_ the Athosians need help with bull mating back New Atlantea."  
  
"Bull's'll take one look at her and turn gay," Rodney offers.  As Cadman raises her P90 at the man, backing down only when Sheppard gives her his version of the "evil eye" (which Cadman has repeatedly said just makes him look like he's taking a deuce).  "What?" Rodney continues.  " _I_ did."  
  
"C'mere," Sheppard says, holding out his hands on either side of Lorne's face.  "What?" he asks at the incredulous look Lorne gives him.  "I'm just gonna check something."  
  
Lorne just crosses his arms, backing away slowly.  
  
"I _could_ order you, you know," Sheppard counters.  
  
Lorne finally stands still, his arms still crossed belligerently as Sheppard approaches him.  Sheppard first goes to put his fingers on the side of Lorne's neck, but at the last second adjusts his arm and puts his hand just under Lorne's nose.  "Smell my fingers-" he starts to blurt.  
  
"Oh Jesus Christ," Lorne says, turning his nose up and scampering away from Sheppard as fast as he can.  "What the fuck do you and Rodney _do_ at night to make your fingers smell like that?"    
  
" _Fuck you_ ," Sheppard mutters, everyone flipping Rodney off when he mutters, "That's my job," a beat later.  "Okay, serious this time.  C'mere."  
  
Lorne decides to stand still and Sheppard approaches him, putting his hands on each side of Lorne's throat, pushing gently with his thumbs just enough for make Lorne cough a few times.  "Hmm," he announces.  
  
"If you're _quite_ through feeling up my boyfriend," David chimes up as Sheppard drops his hands.  
  
"Swollen lymph nodes," Sheppard says.  "Probably cancer," he says with a straight face.  "Stage 4; taking out the lymph nodes and the rest of your ancillary systems if I'm right."  
  
"Yeah, or it _could_ just be sore throat," Lorne counters, holding his throat, then cringing when John again raises two fingers, dangling them under Evan's nose, the Colonel's laughter braying like a demented donkey cut short when David raises a long leg and unceremoniously pushes Sheppard with his booted food, Sheppard landing on his ass a few feet away in the kitchenette area of their accommodations.  
  
"Oh, coffee," Rodney says as the hidden packets are unearthed from a suddenly opened cabinet, falling on Sheppard's head along with two mugs and the contents of a pitcher of a sticky red fruit juice.  
  
"Are you gonna use that?" Rodney asks as he picks up a mug that hadn't quite stopped rolling around after bouncing off John's head.  
  
John cuts his eyes at the man, then takes him out at the knees.  
  
Cadman groans and says, "You _men_ are enough to turn me into a lesbian."  
  
Lorne and Sheppard are in near-perfect synchronicity when they ask, "Can we watch?" - and once again when they nearly scream "Oww!" in unison from the whack to the side of the head (McKay to Sheppard) and the elbow to the crotch (Parrish to Lorne).  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Now open your mouth and say aah," Carson says to Evan once the teams rejoin Atlantis and head to the infirmary for post-mission checkups.  
  
"See?  Now _this_ is why I don't swallow," John offers from the sidelines.  
  
Carson winces so hard that he accidentally pushes the tongue depressor deep into Lorne's mouth as he leans forward, taking it out just as quickly and apologizing to Lorne while giving Sheppard a dirty look.  
  
"Do't mawwer.  No gah wefex," Lorne says around the newly placed tongue depressor.  
  
"I'm sorry, lad?" Carson asks.  
  
"He said," David pipes up, " _Doesn't matter.  No gag reflex_."  David has the nerve to gloat at both John and Rodney, who squints his eyes at David, then clips Sheppard on the ear.  
  
"What the fuck, Rodney?" John asks, protectively covering his ear.  
  
"Bite me," Rodney counters.  "And _don't_ say it," he adds, pointing a finger at John.  
  
John just looks from the finger to Rodney's face, then smirks as he leans down and sucks the tip of Rodney's finger into his mouth.  "Wanna go make out?" John asks, his voice dropping to a quieter tone as he bounces his eyebrows up and down suggestively.  
  
"Oh yea gods, not again," Cadman says.  "Beat it, ya homos," she announces quite loudly, showing the men the way out with a thumb over her shoulder.  
  
Rodney grabs John by the shirt and starts to lead the man away, John turning his head back and calling, "Probably should still check for cancer, Carson," over his shoulder.  
  
David picks up a vomit basin and chucks it at the departing men, John managing a "Heh heh!" when it goes wide and instead bounces into a curtained off room, a faint, "Oww!" coming from the room a beat later.  
  
"Sorry," David offers, blush covering his face.  He turns his attention back to Carson and asks, "So what is it, Doc?"  
  
"Tonsillitis," Carson says.  "I'll have to do a culture to be safe, but tonsillitis, no doubt."  Scooting his swivel stool back, he says, "I could give you a course of antibiotics to take, or we _could_ just take them out.  Quick procedure; in and out in an hour.  Minimal recovery."  
  
Evan looks at David, then Cadman.  "Sheppard'll have to redo the duty roster while I'm out," he says, a glimmer of a smile on his face.  "He _hates_ doing the duty roster."  With another glance at David, who gives Evan a miniscule nod, he says, "Okay, Doc.  Let's do this."  
  
Carson nods.  "I'll get the OR prepped.  You have any questions, son?  Or you, David?"  
  
Neither Evan or David have a question, shaking their head at Carson at first.  Then David blurts out a giggle and moves his fist back and forth in front of his mouth, sticking his tongue against the side of his cheek until it pokes out repeatedly.  
  
Evan laughs and Cadman groans something about she'd rather be the center of attention at a furry sex party than be in the infirmary right at that moment.    
  
"I'm sorry, what did I miss?" Carson asks.  
  
Evan repeats the movement, then asks, "You know, Doc...  How long after until I can..." He trails off, putting his free hand behind his head and shoving his own head up and down over the imaginary cock in his hand.  
  
"...Until you can have a popsicle?" Carson asks, clearly not getting it.  
  
"Jesus Christ, Carson," Cadman belts out.  "Give head!" she nearly shouts, the clang of a meal tray as it hits the floor clearly reverberating around the room a second later.  "How long after until he can give his boyfriend head."  
  
Blushing to the roots of his hair, Carson stammers, "Oh, umm...  Umm...  Three weeks."  
  
"Seriously?" David asks, voice incredulous.  
  
"Oh, laddie, come on now," Carson says.  "Three weeks is _nothing_."  
  
Rolling her eyes, Cadman mutters, "Says the man who asks me to blow him twice a day."  
  
"Wait..." David counters.  "I thought you were turning into a lesbian."  
  
" _Really_?" Carson manages, a clear look of intrigue suddenly plastering over his face.  
  
"Hey, can we get back to the subject at hand?" Evan almost yells.  "You know, my _operation_?"  
  
"Hey Carson," Laura says, a seductive tone to her voice.  She moves in, unzipping her uniform down her chest and bringing Carson to her breast as she coos, "You think you could make this a two-fer?" she asks.  "Take Sheppard _and_ Lorne here out at the same time, so I can take over this dump?  For at _least_ a little while?" She runs her fingers through Carson's already messy hair, then pulls him back to plant a deep, wet kiss on his lips, leaving the man gobsmacked.  
  
"But...  But, Laura, love...  There's nothing _wrong_ with the Colonel that would require medical attention," Carson manages, though it's clear from his expression that his brain is a few synapses short of coherent thought.  
  
"Leave that to me," she says, planting another kiss on Carson's lips.  "You do and we can talk about that thing you were trying to talk me into the other night..."  
  
Carson visibly gulps.  
  
"That's what I thought," she says, patting Carson's cheek affectionately.  Standing upright, she says, "Come on, Davey!" she says, holding out her hand.  "Say goodbye to your husband and let's get a move-on."  
  
David leans over and gives Evan a quick kiss, then takes Laura's hand.  "What're we doing?"  
  
With a glint of playfulness in her eye, she says, "We're gonna go bag us a Colonel." 


End file.
